The Real World: FFX
by hyacinthian
Summary: This is the tale of seven people: Yuna, Rikku, Tidus, Wakka, Auron, Kimahri, and Lulu. Watch their lives unfold as people stop being nice and start being...real and funny!
1. Plans

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. They don't. I swear. Anyway, they belong to Squaresoft and all parties linked to and whatnot. Please don't sue me. I don't have money to pay you.  
  
[Wakka walks in kitchen]  
  
Wakka: I need coffee, ya?  
  
Rikku: Coffee? Coffee! Coffee good! Coffee has caffeine.  
  
::Wakka uses Silence Buster::  
  
Rikku: (muffled) Ow! That hurt!  
  
Auron: .She's been in the sugar bowl.  
  
Wakka: Damn. We need to hide that better, ya?  
  
[Lulu walks in]  
  
[Yuna looks up]  
  
Yuna: Lulu?  
  
Lulu: What?  
  
Yuna: Have you.  
  
Wakka: .ever thought of using a bra?  
  
Lulu: [Attacks Wakka] Run, little Onion Knight, run.  
  
Wakka: Onion Knight? But that's your.ow!.Ultima weapon.  
  
Lulu: [smirk] Really?  
  
Wakka: Where's Tidus? We've got a Blitzball game!  
  
Yuna: He's still sleeping, I think.  
  
Rikku: Yeah. I bet you tired him out last night!  
  
Lulu: [casts Silence] contented sigh  
  
Silence  
  
Lulu: Ahhhh. Peace and Quiet.  
  
sound of lamp breaking  
  
[Everyone runs into living room where Wakka is standing there, his right arm behind his head in embarrassment]  
  
Wakka: Sorry. Some.uh.unscheduled Blitzball practice.  
  
Lulu: I'd love to practice Blitzball.  
  
Wakka: surprised Really?  
  
Lulu: Yes, I'd love to practice Blitzball. I'd like to start off by kicking your...  
  
[Yuna clamps hand over Lulu's mouth]  
  
Wakka: Heh.  
  
[Tidus enters]  
  
Tidus: Whoa. What happened?  
  
Lulu: A tornado by the name of Wakka tore through here.  
  
Kimahri: Wakka practiced Blitzball.  
  
Tidus: He speaks?  
  
Wakka: Whoa. C'mon Tidus! We've got a Blitzball game, ya?  
  
Rikku: [singsong voice] Silence wore off!  
  
Auron: Ahh, shit.  
  
Yuna: I was thinking of having a girl's night. Lulu. Rikku. Are you up for it?  
  
Tidus: And we can sit around and get drunk!  
  
Wakka: Drunk? Stoned would be the truer term, ya?  
  
Lulu: [strained] STOP THAT!  
  
Wakka: [confused] What?  
  
Lulu: Stop saying 'ya'!  
  
Wakka: All right. I'll stop, ya?  
  
Lulu: [screams] I'm going into the kitchen. Come, Yuna. We can continue our talk of our nightly festivities in there.  
  
Rikku: Such big words! We're at home, Lulu, not at a guardian's convention or whatever. Speak normally! Sheesh!  
  
[Girls enter kitchen]  
  
Wakka: Let's go! Blitzball teams are waiting, ya?  
  
Tidus: What are we going to do tonight while the girls are doing.whatever it is girls do.  
  
Auron: We could get drunk.  
  
Wakka: .or stoned.  
  
Tidus: Let's just buy a lot of alcohol and play cards all night.  
  
Wakka: We should invite the girls and ask to play strip poker, ya?  
  
Auron: Maybe just Lulu!  
  
All laugh  
  
Wakka: Not that you can't see anything. Her boobs are practically hanging out of her dress.  
  
[Meanwhile.in the Kitchen]  
  
Yuna: What should we do?  
  
Rikku: We could play Truth-or-Dare!  
  
Lulu: We should bring alcohol.  
  
Rikku: We could go outside and play Spin-the-bottle!  
  
Lulu: Nix the alcohol.  
  
Yuna: Okay. So this is what I've determined. Rikku likes games that involve secrets and boys. Lulu doesn't.  
  
Rikku: Ooh! Ooh! I know why!  
  
Lulu: sigh Why?  
  
Rikku: really loud Lulu's got a crush on Wakka! Lulu's got a crush on Wakka!  
  
[Wakka walks in]  
  
[Lulu's horrified]  
  
Wakka: Really? Good to know.  
  
Lulu: I feel.  
  
Yuna: (in Psychologist mode) How do you feel?  
  
Lulu: I feel.like buying a bottle of vodka and drinking it all by myself.  
  
Rikku: You'll be puking blood.  
  
Yuna: And standing on a countertop singing "Walk This Way" off-key.  
  
Rikku: How can you tell? We've never heard her sing. Maybe she sings off- key naturally.  
  
Lulu: You're pushing your luck, you little blonde bimbo.  
  
Rikku: angry Ooh! Bitch!  
  
Lulu: Whore! If you weren't Yuna's friend, I'd kick your little Al-Bhed ass!  
  
Rikku: smirk Right. I'm sure. Wouldn't that violate Yevon? ::rolls eyes::  
  
Yuna: Stop! Both of you!  
  
Tidus: [ear pressed up against door] Ooh! Guess what!  
  
Wakka and Auron: What?  
  
Tidus: There's a catfight going on between Lulu and Rikku.  
  
[Both rush up to door]  
  
Auron: Now, that'd I'd pay to see.  
  
Wakka: [screams] I'm going blind!  
  
Auron: Me too!  
  
Tidus: Blindness is contagious! I'm blind!  
  
Auron: Blindness isn't contagious, idiot. But apparently, stupidity is.  
  
Lulu: I cast darkness! You keep your prying eyes away from the door.  
  
[They all walk backwards an inch or two]  
  
[Yuna casts Esuna]  
  
Wakka: I can see! It's great, ya?  
  
Tidus: Me too! (whispers to Auron) I can see where the 'ya' thing gets annoying.  
  
Auron: Sight is truly a gift.  
  
[Back in Kitchen.]  
  
Rikku: It's settled then, right Yunie? Lulu?  
  
Yuna: I'm glad you guys made up! We're gonna have so much fun tonight!  
  
Lulu: Thank God there'll be alcohol.  
  
Rikku: Hey! Maybe if we get you drunk enough, we can play Spin-the-bottle with the boys!  
  
Lulu: Think of our chances. You could end up kissing Auron, who's really old.  
  
Rikku: So? You're really old.  
  
Lulu: ignores comment Kimahri, who's a furry little freak.  
  
Rikku: So? Stuffed animals are cute.I mean, you carry those little dolls everywhere.  
  
Lulu: getting a little aggravated Tidus, who's always got somethin' in his pants.and I guarantee you, it's not a Blitzball.  
  
Rikku: So? Maybe Yunie will get laid.  
  
[Yuna blushes]  
  
Lulu: Or Wakka!  
  
Rikku: And there's no drawback to kissing Wakka, eh? Hmm.  
  
Lulu: Don't look into it, dammit!  
  
[Outside in the living room.]  
  
Wakka: Now that that's settled, let's go buy some booze.  
  
[Across the hall]  
  
Tromell: Maester Seymour?  
  
Seymour: What?  
  
Tromell: Your bath's ready.  
  
Seymour: Thank you, Tromell. Now, bake my pizza!  
  
Tromell: Yes, Maester Seymour.  
  
Seymour: [looks through peephole at other apartment] Lady Yuna.you shall be mine! Mwahahaha.[coughs] Urg.Tromell!  
  
Tromell: Yes, Maester?  
  
Seymour: Go to Walgreens, and pick up some cough drops and Altoids. [throws car keys at him]  
  
Tromell: Yes, Maester Seymour.  
  
[Tromell starts heading for door]  
  
Seymour: And Tromell.  
  
Tromell: Yes?  
  
Seymour: You get a scratch on my Mercedes and I will kill you. Got it? And it will not be a quick, easy death.  
  
Tromell: Yes, sir.  
  
[Seymour watches Tromell leave]  
  
Seymour: Lady Yuna.you shall be mine. Hahahaha! 


	2. Beer Drunk Love

Rikku: Can we start yet? Huh? Can we? Can we, can we, can we?  
  
Lulu: Damn. And I forgot my dog tranquilizer.  
  
Yuna: Can we start yet or no?  
  
Lulu: We've got enough alcohol to run a bar for a month. I guess we're ready.  
  
[Outside in the Living Room]  
  
Wakka: [starts to juggle Blitzballs]  
  
Tidus: Stop that and come play poker!  
  
Wakka: But I'm juggling my Blitzballs!  
  
Tidus: Stop it and get over here! Everything's set up already!  
  
Wakka: Did you not hear me? I'm playing with my balls, ya?  
  
Tidus: [draws sword]  
  
Wakka: All right. All right. I'm coming.  
  
[In the Kitchen]  
  
[Lulu sets empty beer bottle by three others]  
  
Rikku: How are you NOT DRUNK?!  
  
Lulu: I can hold my liquor.  
  
Rikku: I want to see you drunk!  
  
Lulu: You might have to wait a while.  
  
Rikku: Truth or Dare?  
  
Lulu: [is silent]  
  
Rikku: I'll take that as a dare.  
  
Lulu: Fine. What is it?  
  
Rikku: I dare you to kiss Wakka.  
  
Lulu: [says nothing, then finishes off the bottle of Tequila]  
  
[Outside in the Living Room]  
  
Wakka: [obviously drunk] Who's got a pale, skanky ass and wants you to lick it? SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYMOUR! He has the funniest name, don't you think? See More. Seymour. [hiccup] Hand me that [points toward door] bottle.  
  
[Auron hands him large bottle of Gin]  
  
Tidus: What'd you do that for?  
  
Auron: Wakka's funny when he's drunk. Kimahri just goes unconscious. That's not entertainment. But THIS [points at Wakka who's standing on sofa] is entertainment.  
  
Wakka: [singing off-key] At first I was afraid  
  
Tidus: Is he singing what I think he's singing?  
  
Wakka: [still off-key] I was petrified!  
  
Auron: Guess so.  
  
Wakka: I kept on thinking I could never live without you by my side. [does dramatic motion]  
  
Tidus: Oh Jesus-freakin'-lord!  
  
Wakka: But you came in  
  
Tidus: He doesn't know all the words, does he?  
  
Wakka: And stole my ham  
  
Auron: Guess not.  
  
Wakka: And I couldn't catch you 'cuz you ran away on the Tram!  
  
Auron: Can we pretend that he's not drunk and play cards?  
  
Wakka: I want my ham! I want my ham! I know you raided my frigedater  
  
Auron: Oh my God.  
  
Wakka: You refrigedater raider  
  
Tidus: That's what I'm saying.  
  
Wakka: Stole my sausage and pickles and now you need to give them back! I will survive! I will survive! For as long as I know how to shop, I know I'll be alive! I've got all that hope in me  
  
Auron: Jesus.  
  
Tidus: I hope the girls don't hear this.  
  
Wakka: That my pickles and sausage will return safely  
  
Rikku: [shoves Lulu through door] Go!  
  
Lulu: [drunk] Wakka, I lurv 'oo!  
  
Yuna: What did you do to her?  
  
Rikku: Aren't drugs just so fun?  
  
Yuna: Ahh, crap.  
  
Wakka: Zuzu, baby, don't break my sausage links. You know, the sausage links are almighty and powerful. Yevon gave 'em to me. Don't be breakin' 'em.  
  
Lulu: Zuzu? Mah name's. . . ah, who gives a shit? [starts kissing him]  
  
Tidus: Wow. New Brand of Entertainment.  
  
Auron: Beer-Drunk Love: The Wakka and Lulu Story.  
  
Lulu: [stops kissing briefly] [looks at Auron] Mah name's Zuzu, bud.  
  
Auron: Whatever.  
  
[Doorbell rings]  
  
[Yuna runs and opens door]  
  
[Tromell stands there with box]  
  
Tromell: I have pizza. For a Lady 'Guna.  
  
Yuna: Guna? Maybe you mean Laguna Loire, who lives down there somewhere. Apartment 5B or something or other. This is the FF Apartment Building, you know.  
  
Tromell: That's probably her.  
  
Yuna: Him. It's a him.  
  
Tromell: I see.  
  
Yuna: Good-bye.  
  
Lulu: Don't be playing with my purple pearls, buddy.  
  
Wakka: [muffled] Y'ever think of adjusting the chain on that necklace? Your pearls are in my mouth and I wouldn't mind, unless I'd want something else in my mouth.  
  
Yuna: [looks at Rikku] When they both sober up, you know you're getting your ass kicked, right?  
  
Rikku: I know, but at least I'm a good entertainer!  
  
[Lulu giggles]  
  
Wakka: If you'll all excuse us, she wants to take a good look at my balls. My blitzballs, I mean. Uhh. Okay, ya?  
  
[They both enter room, door is slammed and locked]  
  
[In Seymour's Apartment]  
  
Seymour: You gave it to Laguna?  
  
Tromell: Yes.  
  
Seymour: Did you not notice that the name YUNA was written on it, you moron?!  
  
Tromell: That said Yuna? Oh. My bad.  
  
[Back in Apartment]  
  
Rikku: How about some strip poker, boys? [waggles eyebrows]  
  
Yuna: How about some karaoke? I'd sing.  
  
[All mouths drop]  
  
Auron: But you're so shy all the time.  
  
Yuna: Man, you haven't seen me when I'm drunk!  
  
All: Sing, Yuna! Sing! I want to hear you!  
  
Yuna: Er. . . um. . . fine. What should I sing?  
  
Rikku: Anything!  
  
Yuna: Whenever sang on my song. . . On the stage. . . on my own. . .  
  
[FF8 Cast breaks down door]  
  
Rinoa: Hey! That's our theme! You can't take our theme! Sing your own theme, you theme-stealer!  
  
Quistis: [to Rinoa] Is the whip needed?  
  
Rinoa: No.  
  
Quistis: Damn.  
  
Yuna: But our theme's in Japanese!  
  
Rinoa: Well, deal with it!  
  
[FF7 Cast Enters]  
  
Yuffie: Yeah! Especially since we don't have a theme. . . not on the English version, anyway!  
  
Barrett: That's 'coz Squaresoft's a bitch. Too damn lazy to change the Japanese theme to English.  
  
Yuffie: Let's steal their materia!  
  
Aeris: Um. . . Yuffie, I hate to break it to you, but they don't have materia.  
  
Sephiroth: Bwahahaha! Wait. Damn, this isn't my cue?  
  
Tifa: [with Southern accent] Hey Lulu! You get your goddamn ass out here!  
  
[Lulu enters, her dress hanging lower than usual, but nothing's hanging out, thankfully]  
  
Lulu: What you want? [gasp] Mimi!  
  
[All FF Casts laugh]  
  
Aeris: Mimi? Your name's Mimi?! [bursts into laughter again]  
  
Lulu: Yeah, you see, Mimi here wanted to make herself sound all nice and city-like, right? So, she bought herself a new name. [turns disgustedly]  
  
Tifa: Lulu! There's only room for one big-boobed bitch in the FF series and it's going to be me!  
  
Selphie: Hey! That's an N*Sync Song!  
  
Squall: N*Suck, you mean?  
  
Rinoa: Squall, hon, behave.  
  
[All male characters laugh]  
  
Seifer: Got you whipped!  
  
Zell: Now, who's the chicken-wuss?  
  
Seifer: [confused] You, ya moron!  
  
Lulu: [says something to Onion Knight] Onion Knight, sweetie, mama's busy, so please take care of her [points to Tifa] okay? Use all the magic attacks you need and just fetch me when you need an ether. But knock, though, because mama might be a little. . . ahem. . . busy.  
  
[Onion Knight nods]  
  
Lulu: Silicone's an excellent conductor of electricity, Mimi! Have fun, Onion, sweetie!  
  
Yuna: Er. . . um. . . Okay. . . Alone for a while. . . I've been searching through the dark. . .  
  
[Enter FF9 Cast]  
  
Garnet: Yuna! Excuse me, Miss Summoner, but I believe that I was the main summoner before you came in the picture!  
  
[Yuna steps down from table]  
  
Eiko: I'll kick both your asses!  
  
Freya: Stick to playing with your moogles, sweetie.  
  
Eiko: I'm not five!  
  
Yuna: Is she a dwarf? Hey, you guys! [Points to Steiner and Beatrix] Take care of your goddamn kid while I beat Miss Garnet up at her own game!  
  
Garnet: Bring it on, be-otch!  
  
Tifa: Ow! You want to take me on, Lulu? Come on out!  
  
Lulu: Stop, Onion. Bring it on, Mimi! You're going to get your ass kicked. I hope bouncing like a superball because of all that silicone hurts.  
  
Tifa: Oh, shut up! Tromell: Lord Seymour! The girls are fighting in the next apartment!  
  
Seymour: [sips at coffee] Don't be silly, Tromell. There's only two.  
  
Tromell: The FF8 and FF9 cast is there.  
  
Seymour: [gets up and runs over] Move over! [giggles girlishly] Yuna's so hot. Mwahahaha!  
  
[Knock on door]  
  
Sephiroth and Kuja: It's Sephiroth and Kuja, you gay ass villain!  
  
Seymour: Speak for yourselves! Mwahaha!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author's Note: I hope you like this one. I won't be working on the next installment for a while, but the next chapter is going to be called:  
  
Fights (Cat and Normal) in the FF Apartments  
  
I hope you enjoyed it!  
  
~Kara~  
  
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. They don't. I swear. Anyway, they belong to Squaresoft and all parties linked to and whatnot. Please don't sue me. I don't have money to pay you. 


End file.
